They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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