Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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