I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
