I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
