I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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