If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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