Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize