so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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