so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
