oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
