His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
