Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
