he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
