Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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