Just cropdusted the office
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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