WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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