Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
