you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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