He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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