I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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