Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
