i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm both gender and math confused
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
