I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
