I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
