i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize