I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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