Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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