Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
