Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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