the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
