You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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