I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You pole danced in your parka.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
