my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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