I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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