dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
