It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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