If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
