the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
