my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
