he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
