Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
