just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
