You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
