Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
