I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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