It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
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i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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