So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
