Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
