Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
