saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
