I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
