Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
