While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
