the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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