Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
