I'm lost and stupid without you.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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