I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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