i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
