I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize